Step aside, helicopter parents and tiger moms: A new kind of parent has entered the chat, and they’re going viral on TikTok. The “Pink Tote Lid Parent” entered the zeitgeist when a teenage girl on TikTok posted a video about an argument with her mom.
In the since-deleted, teary-eyed video, she whispers so her parents don’t hear her and explains that she was taking a shower when her mom started banging on the door demanding help.
“She goes, ‘I need you to put the pink things in my room,’” the teen said. When she asked what “the pink things” were, her mom got mad.
“She said, ‘Just put the goddamn pink tote lids in my f*cking bedroom. The pink f*cking tote lids, are you f*cking dumb?’”
The teen tried to defend herself, saying “the pink things” was a vague description, but not only did she not get any sympathy from her mother, but her father came and yelled at her for “talking back.”
And thus, the Pink Tote Lid Parent was born. Many viewers — children and parents alike — have since come forward to share their own “pink tote lid moments.” While some seem to go well past the pink tote lid category and should be filed as abuse, many of them fall into this upsetting zone of an adult having an outsized negative reaction to their kids’ behavior.
In a video responding to the trend, child psychiatrist Dr. Willough Jenkins urges parents to watch the videos. “It’s such a learning point for parents because I think watching and seeing the impact …” she trailed off before calling these moments “classic displacement of anger.”
So how do you know if you’re a Pink Tote Lid Mom or Pink Tote Lid Dad? Well, take a look at where your anger is stemming from and where you’re directing it.
“Displaced aggression is a defense mechanism that involves redirecting negative emotions from their original source to a less threatening target,” Dr. Jenkins wrote at the end of her video. “It’s a defense mechanism that can occur when someone is unable or unwilling to respond aggressively to the original source.”
An example, she said, would be a parent who is mad at their boss but comes home and takes it out on their partner. Or it could be parents who are mad at who knows what (because c’mon … it’s not about the pink tote lids … ) taking it out on their teenage daughter.
“I don’t think parents realize the impact of their behavior sometimes and most parents aren’t intending to be hurtful, it’s truly hard from all sides but I do think parents need to do better not displacing their anger and frustration onto their children,” Dr. Jenkins captioned her video.
The Pink Tote Lid Parent phenomenon has blown the lid off an unfortunate truth: behind closed doors, many parents are misdirecting their anger, leaving their kids feeling bewildered and hurt — and it’s kind of astonishing to see how many people have “pink tote moments” of their own. As parents, before we blow up on our kids, we should ask ourselves what’s really fueling our frustration. Is it the pink tote lids, or something far deeper? By recognizing the subtle signs of displaced aggression, we can create a more empathetic and understanding home environment, where kids aren’t unfairly shouldering the weight of their parents’ unresolved emotions. Putting those pink tote lids in their proper place is the first step towards more mindful, compassionate parenting.
