Donald Trump responds to Matt Gaetz’s AG withdrawal as rumors of a threesome SWIRL, henny

In perhaps the only good news to come out of Donald Trump’s imminent administration, Matt Gaetz has withdrawn his name from consideration as the next attorney general. 

As a refresher, and at the risk of reopening old wounds, Gaetz was put forward by Trump as the nominee for the high-ranking government position last week. Naturally, since Gaetz was the subject of an investigation by the House Ethics Committee into allegations relating to sex with a minor and illicit drug use, the nomination caused quite a stir, which Gaetz cited as the reason for his withdrawal in a post on X. 

“While the momentum was strong, it is clear that my confirmation was unfairly becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance Transition,” Gaetz said, mistaking the word “distraction” for “warranted scrutiny for someone seeking to become the nation’s top law enforcement officer.” Rather than prolong the controversy — which also included calls for the Ethics Committee’s investigation to be publicly released — Gaetz instead said that “there is no time to waste on a needlessly protracted Washington scuffle,” adding that whoever becomes Trump’s attorney general “must be in place and ready on Day 1.”

Reacting to the news (though not on his bestie’s platform), Trump wrote on Truth Social that he “greatly appreciates” Gaetz’ efforts, adding that the politician “did not want to be a distraction for the Administration.” Lord knows Trump is good enough at creating distractions all on his own, so I guess the removal of at least one of multiple alleged predators (including himself) from his administration is considered a win for the Trump camp? The president-elect went on to say that Gaetz has “a wonderful future” (perhaps in an orange jumpsuit?), and that he “look[s] forward to watching all of the great things he will do” (like dodge statutory rape allegations). 

Gaetz’ withdrawal came just one day after a new, somehow even more eyebrow-raising allegation was levelled against him. The woman who claimed to have had sex with Gaetz when she was 17 (a shocking allegation as it is), also testified that she engaged in a threesome with him and an adult woman. This was in addition to the first sexual encounter she had with Gaetz while she was a minor, and the woman recalled the experience during her testimony to the House Ethics Committee, according to CNN. It was after Gaetz was questioned about this story that he withdrew his attorney general nomination, making it the straw that broke the Botoxed camel’s back. 

Like anything in Trumpland, when one terrifying door closes, another equally terrifying one opens. It’s thought that Gaetz will be replaced as the attorney general nominee by Trump lawyer Todd Blanche, who was initially put forward for the deputy attorney general position. Blanche was the lead counsel during the Trump’s hush money trial, a job in which he was evidently unsuccessful since his client was convicted on 34 counts. 

Even then, Blanche seems to have more experience than other contenders for the Trump administration, like television star Dr. Oz, retired WWE performer Linda McMahon, Fox News personality Pete Hegseth, and billionaire X owner Elon Musk. Even with Gaetz’ withdrawal, that list reads like my nightmare blunt rotation, and is a surefire sign that when he’s not golfing or eating McDonald’s, Trump is watching way too much television. I’m surprised his eyes aren’t square at this point.