The holidays may have been branded the happiest time of year, but parents know how much effort goes into making it that way for their children. Moreover, the holiday season often involves dealing with tricky family situations, worrying about finances, or feeling grief for loved ones who aren’t present — all stressors that can make happiness feel even further out of reach.
But you, as a parent, also deserve to experience joy this time of year. As an expert in the science of happiness, I’ve spent years researching how to experience joy in your life, even in difficult or stressful times. There are small yet powerful ways to transform this year’s holiday season, and in the process, set a new pattern to make your future holidays happier, too.
Define Your Values for the Holiday Season
We live in a culture defined by capitalist values, which has transformed the holidays from a time of love into a time of rampant consumerism. If we’re not mindful, we can get pulled into that mentality and start to believe that this is what we should strive for in our families.
I encourage you to push back on this by setting your own intention, rooted in your own core values, for the holiday season. For example: if your intention is:
Connection: “Our intention for the holidays is to spend meaningful time together.”
If it’s Generosity: “Our intention for the holidays is to give back to those who need it most.”
And if it’s Well-being: “Our intention for the holidays is to slow down and relax together.”
Once you have set an intention, it’s a lot easier to be more deliberate with your holiday plans. For example, if your intention is to spend meaningful time with your loved ones, you might want to throw a gathering for your closest friends and family or say no to certain activities and events that get in the way of togetherness. You get to define what a happy holiday season is for you and your family.
On Stressful Days, Plan Ahead
During the holiday season, you probably rise every day determined to power through your to-do list (shopping, wrapping, writing cards) and your events (parties, volunteering, holiday meals.) These demands can quickly lead to overwhelm.
Here is a technique that can help: it takes just a minute or two but can save you both time and stress later in the day.
Before you jump into those tasks, though, pause and consider: “Where might I run into challenges today?” Then, make a plan for how you will cope with them. This is a research-backed strategy that is highly effective for minimizing stress. I call it a Stress Plan, and here’s how to make one:
First, looking at your day, identify moments that you anticipate being stressful or challenging. Next, decide how you would like to respond when it does happen (a helpful way to do this is to ask yourself, what would my best self do?) Finally, write down your plan.
Imagine that, today, you have a busy day of back-to-back meetings at work, after which you need to rush home, pack up the kids and all of the family’s gifts, and get everyone to a relative’s house for a holiday meal. Your plan might look like:
- “When I’m commuting home on the train, I’ll take a few minutes to meditate so I can reset.”
- “To make it easier to transport my kids to my parents, I’ll pack up the car with all the gifts this morning.”
- “After I get to my parents’ house, I’ll ask them to watch the kids for a few minutes so I can eat a quick snack and rejuvenate.”
These small, proactive steps can make a big difference.
When You Feel Difficult Emotions, Practice Meeting Them With Compassion
During busy, high-pressure times, it’s easy to become emotionally dysregulated, which means experiencing more intense emotions, being sensitive to triggers, and struggling to feel calm and present. That could look like:
- Being quicker to anger or more reactive to common stresses
- Feeling sadness, loneliness, or grief out of nowhere
- Having trouble calming down or relaxing
You see this all the time in your children, and meet their emotions with compassion—but how often do you do that for yourself? You might, in fact, be far more used to meeting those emotions with judgment: believing that it means that there’s something wrong with you. That judgment might sound like, “I’m ruining this lovely family moment because I’m sad,” or “I shouldn’t feel this angry right now.” In reality, though, these emotions are a sign that we need our own love —and when we offer it to ourselves, we experience profound benefits, such as reduced stress and greater resilience.
To fulfill that need, practice naming what you are feeling out loud. That might include saying words like, “I’m feeling really sad right now,” or “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do to address it.” Then, ask yourself what would make you feel loved right now. You might want to do something kind for yourself take a bath, give yourself a hug, or take deep breaths.) You might need to take a few minutes of quiet in the backyard or go for a walk with your favorite podcast. All it takes is a simple gesture of kindness towards yourself to start feeling better.
Tap Into Your Playful Side
One of the best ways to feel more joy is by reconnecting with your inner child.
Children play naturally and instinctively, as adults, life can weigh us down, making it harder to tap into that expression of delight, ease, and interest. Not only is being playful good for your mood, but it’s also supportive of your mental health: research shows that playfulness can lead to enhanced resilience during hard times.
Here are a few ways to tap into your inner child:
Set realistic expectations: In the holiday season, it can be easy to get carried away with ideas about what you want to do or are “supposed” to do. But scaling back those commitments and expectations can help open up opportunities for playfulness, joy, and connection to emerge. Take a look at your calendar and decide if you’d like to opt out of any obligations or events — and make the space for what really nourishes you.
Turn obligations into adventures: Ask your kids to help you with chores by making it into a game or a challenge. For example, you might ask them to run around the house and pick up all of the dirty laundry, and whoever fills their basket first wins.
Do something just for the joy of it: You might find yourself, as a parent, prioritizing your kids’ play above all else. Your play matters, too, though. At least one day during this season, set aside an hour or two to engage in activities or events that you are genuinely excited about — whether that’s a workout, coffee with a friend, or a hobby that matters to you
Don’t Try To Do It All Alone
As a parent juggling so many responsibilities, your instinct might be to take on everything entirely by yourself: buying all the gifts, doing all the shopping, baking the cookies for neighbors and teachers, and on and on the list goes.
Wherever possible, though, I’d encourage you to find ways to lean on others. While not all of us can afford to bring on paid help or have family nearby, we can find ways to be creative through connecting with our existing support systems and finding ways to share the load. In fact, research shows that we wildly underestimate how much other people want to help us, so reach out and ask for what you need. For example, you might ask your siblings to come over and help you prep the holiday meal and spend time together, or see if your parent friends want to have a simultaneous kids playdate and adult gift-wrapping party.
The more we ask for help, the more opportunities we create for connection with other people. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about?
